Friday, June 11, 2010

Things that go through my mind

I think about a lot of things during the day, about my parents, my sister, my extended family, and yes myself. But I never really gave love a chance. Lately I have been thinking about being in Like and in Love, and how much it changes and how different things can become with one conversation. Its just about getting the guts to say something to get this conversation going. I finally told the guy that I have liked for over two years that I am really and I mean really into him, and it turns out that he is into me as well. Go figure. But it would have to be a long distance relationship. And you never know how those are going to turn out, and I wonder if I am making a mistake or if I am putting to much of myself out there, in the public telling this person how I feel. Am I making a huge mistake or have I made the right decision and maybe I have a future with this person. I want there to be, but things I want don't always go the way I wish.

I wish my dad would miraculously get better, and for my mom to no longer have her illness that dictates our very lives. I wish I hadn't been so mean to my sister and we had a closer relationship, but I made my decisions and I have to live with them, but I don't want my decision about this guy to be one I regret, I want the happy ending, the one you only see in books, and movies, or in my case in my friends lives. I have never felt this way, but I can't seem to help myself. I tried to ignore it, and think it was only because I couldn't have him, but maybe I can and what I feel is true? What then? How do I keep myself going knowing this and knowing if one little circumstance was different I could be with someone I truly liked?

I don't think I have ever been in a relationship with someone I really liked and it scares me, and I wonder if that's normal? I feel like a typical girl writing this, but sometimes I just want to be a girl and think about boyfriends, and girlfriends, and relationships, and trusting my feelings not to ruin things.

I'm going to do something I never really tried before, I'm going to have hope.

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