What is your dream? And think big, don't let the current confines of your life influence your answer.

I want to be happy, like completely honestly happy. No yelling no pain, and no sadness. I would love and be loved, and my family and friends would still be best friends, and we everything would be and i repeat, "happy" I don't care if this is an unrealistic dream, but also one simple one as well, if you can master the act of forgiveness, for yourself, and for those surrendering your weapons.

Ask me anything

Have you lost the game lately? xD

OH, thats low. very low. I will repay you.

Ask me anything

Do you think you're a good friend?

Sometimes, I like to think I'm there for them if they ever truly need me, but again sometimes I think that I might be a horrible friend because sometimes I just want to be alone. So I guess I like to believe I am a good friend when it counts. But you would have to ask them if I truly am.

Ask me anything

Things that go through my mind

I think about a lot of things during the day, about my parents, my sister, my extended family, and yes myself. But I never really gave love a chance. Lately I have been thinking about being in Like and in Love, and how much it changes and how different things can become with one conversation. Its just about getting the guts to say something to get this conversation going. I finally told the guy that I have liked for over two years that I am really and I mean really into him, and it turns out that he is into me as well. Go figure. But it would have to be a long distance relationship. And you never know how those are going to turn out, and I wonder if I am making a mistake or if I am putting to much of myself out there, in the public telling this person how I feel. Am I making a huge mistake or have I made the right decision and maybe I have a future with this person. I want there to be, but things I want don't always go the way I wish.

I wish my dad would miraculously get better, and for my mom to no longer have her illness that dictates our very lives. I wish I hadn't been so mean to my sister and we had a closer relationship, but I made my decisions and I have to live with them, but I don't want my decision about this guy to be one I regret, I want the happy ending, the one you only see in books, and movies, or in my case in my friends lives. I have never felt this way, but I can't seem to help myself. I tried to ignore it, and think it was only because I couldn't have him, but maybe I can and what I feel is true? What then? How do I keep myself going knowing this and knowing if one little circumstance was different I could be with someone I truly liked?

I don't think I have ever been in a relationship with someone I really liked and it scares me, and I wonder if that's normal? I feel like a typical girl writing this, but sometimes I just want to be a girl and think about boyfriends, and girlfriends, and relationships, and trusting my feelings not to ruin things.

I'm going to do something I never really tried before, I'm going to have hope.

Work, School, Life in general

Since the last time I wrote anything, I had recently been let go of the waterloo library, I then got a job at applebees, where they fired me for not being peppy enough and not smiling like I should have. Then I get a job with ResCare, who fired me the second day of training because my tire blew up, on the way to work, and I was only 8 minutes late. 8 minutes! Now I'm searching desperately for a job of any kind. I need work, so I can move out of my front porch, and yes I did just say that, I have been exiled to the front porch of my house because my younger sister has the only other bedroom. Life. I did meet a guy recently though and he seems like the real deal. Cool, fun, good to hang out with, but not clingy, and just a great guy, so I'm pretty happy about that. I finally started college, and let me tell you, it was not what I expected. I'm doing online classes because I have some stomach issue that causes me to be sick for days on end, and I would miss to much school otherwise. The classes are not that bad, you pretty much just read the chapters take the tests and do the discussion board for the week. I like it, but I tend to wait until the last minute to get my work done. Like right now I should be doing some discussion board work, but instead I'm writing a blog. Oh the lengths I will go to not do homework. I am truly working on being happy now, but it can be so hard, with all the things going on in my life right now, I really do not have the energy to be truly happy and that is something I am hoping to change, and to accomplish through college and true adult relationships. I need this to work out. I need the bright side of things versus the dark and dank side.

Reading

I was always known as the girl who reads alot, who always has a book on her, and who knows the most random facts from the random books she reads. But of late, I dont read, I barely write, I dont draw, I dont do the things that used to control my life, and I dont like it, there is a bookshelf of books i would love to read, but I can't seem to get the motivation to read them, I don't know if its just a block, like writers block, or I'm just not ready to go back to where I was when I did as voraciously as I once did. I keep trying, book after book, but none of them, in weeks maybe months by now, I have not been able to read a book all the way through, and I think it is messing with me, in the psychiatric way, and that worries me. I don't want to sound whiny because the poor thing cant read, when there are horrors much worse all around us, but this is a problem I have been having for some time and I think if i could just finish one book, I would be able to break the block, I could enjoy expressing myself a little more. Cause apparently I come off as a somewhat stern person, when I consider myself as just guarded, guarded against people and what they might do, guarded by what I might think of doing, and I am most guarded about what they could do to my friends and family. I'm the guard dog at the entrance of the cave with the very sharp teeth and not afraid to use them. I dont know if that makes me a bad person, but it is how i deal with my surrounding.

Re-accuring Dreams

I sleep a lot, more than the average person, and more than the average high school boy, one of the things I have been hoping this blog will help with is the fact that I am clinically manic depressive. Which means I go through high periods, were I'm awake and planning, and doing normal stuff, well as normal as me and my friends get, I am just like any other teenager except that after a morning of doing normal stuff I tend to fall asleep and sleep till the end of the day, and then I take my lovely medications that keep me from being insane-o girl.

That above is explaining why I am posting a blog about a dream at eight o'clock in the evening. But recently my dreams have always ended the same way. I'm in a mall or some type of building that sells everything. I am always separated from my friends to begin with and as I look around the store, other dream things happen, like one time the people were all wearing celery costumes. This is my head. But everything feels typical then when the dream is close to being over, and I don't know how I know its close, its like there is an internal alarm that tells me I should start looking for my friends, and once I actively look for my friends a feel of pressure is put on me, for some reason I have to find my friends and find them fast.

I will be looking and starting to panic when I walk by a rack of clothes, a bush, a dark corner, but a hand will grab me by the ankle and i will be dragged into this little cubby hole and I will have found my friends, only they are not the friends I originally had, or to be more specific they were no longer the same age as the ones I had came with. Instead there are my four best friends, and they are all the same age we all were when we became best friends. So I have on my hands a secret door into a cubby hole and my middle school friends as they were in middle school, and I'm starting to freak out, cause dream me doesnt freak out till the end, and I'm trying to figure out how to age them back I get pulled again by ankle (and amazingly I didnt get a concussion during this dream with all the yanking I had to go through.) and I am again led back to another cubby hole only its filled with Izzy clothes, (noun: clothes that are either retro or off the salvation army rack and looking amazing, sparkly and bold, very bold) and there is Izzy only this time she is the right age and she is talking to me but I'm not listening because I just realized we were not in just any cubby holes, we were in the stage things that they put the models only its closed off with a door but there was no handle and Izzy is still talking to me and I keep looking for some way out, and the dream always ends with me realizing that I am stuck in the looking box as a living model, they would give me clothes to wear and Izzy and I would pose for hours never being allowed to ask for help, because no one seemed to think it was wrong. And this is where my dream ends.

This is my end dream, I don't often remember my actual dreams, but this dream I remember because I have it so much. It doesn't make sense, it changes in small ways every time I dream it and I almost expect to wake up in that box with Izzy. (Izzy is one of my best friends, we met in seventh grade, she is an amazing and wonderful person with the best and most exciting personality, I guarantee there will be more on her and all of my other friends if future blogs.)

So that was my dream, I put you out on the internet and let others besides me analyze the damn thing. If you managed to read that thank you, and I hope I didn't give you bad dreams.